How To Flirt – Flirting Via Texting & Messages

This post addresses how to flirt with someone via texting and messages and to perfect your writing style to win the interest of the object of your affection. In today’s busy world, texting and short messaging is the most common form of communication. Therefore, knowing how to text appropriately, including flirting with others, has become ever more important.

Use appropriate language

There’s nothing worse than someone attempting to use language outside of their age bracket. I’ve seen parents, for example, try to text their children with modern-speak (think LOL, LMAO, and so on) and just look inappropriate and lame. There is a whole group of people out there who think LOL stands for ‘Lots Of Love’. Not only is what you say in your text important, but the language you use tells the recipient a lot about you. Don’t come on too strong or use overly sexual language, which along with sending explicit sexual photos, is a big complaint from many women (see our post on 10 Things Men Want Women To Know & Women Want Men To Know. Your photos can be forwarded onto others at the click of a button, and can embarrass you in front of your friends, family and colleagues. Sexting scandals have ruined relationships, families, careers and reputations.

Check your spelling and grammar

Along with the style of language used in your message, make sure you check your spelling and grammar. Sending messages that are incomprehensible or inarticulate with sloppy grammar or incorrectly spelled words makes you look like a fool and makes the recipient feel like you don’t care about them enough to put in effort for them. Your writing doesn’t need to be perfect prose, but at least give your text a once-over before sending it. Watch out for the auto-correct function on your phone, too – you may end up saying the wrong thing and end up on a website like Autocorrect Fail. And finally, before you press send, always check your text is going to the right person! These quick checks can avoid a potentially embarrassing situation – imagine a flirty message going to a family member by accident.

Choose an appropriate time to text

There are many good times to send a text, but there are also a few times when you should NOT text someone. One such time is inappropriately late at night or early in the morning. Many phones have silent or ‘do not disturb’ functions on them, but be aware of your recipient’s schedule, and when might be appropriate to text them. Another time not to text someone is when you are incredibly drunk – drunken text messages usually end in embarrassment or hilarity (see Texts From Last Night for some examples) – but not very often do they result in a positive impact on your love life. A couple of drinks can give you the courage to message your crush, but any more than a few and you should keep your phone in your pocket. Try not to message someone – particularly someone you like – when in a highly emotional state (angry, sad, annoyed) as you may say something you regret and turn them off seeing you. No-one likes supporting emotional baggage in the early stages of a relationship. Finally, for safety’s sake, don’t text and drive. Texting requires a decent amount of concentration, using both your eyes and hands, which will distract you from driving and put you, your passengers and other road users at risk. Use a hands free kit with a text-to-speech facility or use an app for your phone like Siri, Skyvi (Siri for Android), SMS Reader, and so on. Although, there are studies that show this is still distracting and risky behaviour.

Be casual, be cool, be creative

You should never go too overboard or come on too strong in a text message, so try to be as natural as possible. So many people over-think what they’re going to say that the text or message feels forced and unnatural. Some of the rules of flirting via texting or messaging are not so different to those in real life, and the best flirts come across as easy going and natural. Subtlety and balance are crucial, but also try to be creative. It is a much greater skill to be creative and come across as interesting when using only words as your medium, and they’ll be impressed if you can pull this off. Make them laugh, make a clever or interesting observation, or just be original in the best way that you can be (don’t try to be someone that you’re not). Don’t try too hard, though, and don’t try to be too funny or seem too eager or enthusiastic – it can be a major turn-off.

How to begin your conversation

One of the best ways to start a text conversation is to ask a question. It can keep a conversation going and you can learn more about the other person. Keep the questions simple and open-ended, which gives them more opportunity to answer, but don’t be too open-ended or philosophical in a way that might puzzle them. Ask them their opinion on a new movie, restaurant, band or news item (news that isn’t too controversial). Be thoughtful, too – if you know they were doing something important (a sports competition, a test or exam, or a job interview), ask them about it and show that you care. If they’ve been sick, ask if they’re feeling better. You could also write about an observation or something else that made you think of them. It may have been a place you visited or something you ate or a conversation you had – it informs them that you were thinking of them without being too direct.

Taking flirting to the next level

A little naughtiness or teasing can be a great way to take the flirting to the next level, but it requires subtlety, indirectness and MUCH CARE. As mentioned above, sexting can turn off many women, particularly sending in-your-face sexually explicit photos. Learn to read the nature of their replies to gauge whether or not a particular topic or level of conversation is appropriate at that point of time. Something like ‘TMI’ (= Too Much Information) as a response is good indication you’ve already said enough. Tease your crush lightly and be a little playful, but not too much. Sometimes an overly sensitive recipient, mixed with a lack of forethought, can end up with them being offended – see 7 Deadly Relationship Sins – What Not To Do In Love – Part 2. Keep it light, make it clear that you’re joking, and show that you don’t take yourself too seriously. You could think about a silly nickname for them and use it when you contact them. Don’t forget to complement your crush either – find a subtle way to let them know they looked cute or nice, or that you like their new haircut or outfit.

Do I call or do I text?

Some people really don’t enjoy the cumbersome effort of typing out a message and prefer the relative simplicity of talking on the phone. On the other hand, some people find texting more preferable and hate talking on the phone. With texting, they can answer in their own time and can text more easily in certain situations, like when with others, when on public transport, when in a class or lecture, and so on. Try to gauge your interest’s preference early on and communicate with them in the way they prefer.

Treat texting for what it is – a casual form of communication

Remember texting and messaging for what they are – a casual, short form of communication – and don’t expect to build a meaningful, deep connection. It might be a great way for a little flirting, to learn a little more about each other or to make plans, but you can’t beat the connection that can be made in person. There’s less chance of a miscommunication via texts and messages, too, because you can read their body language and judge the tone of their voice.

With these tips at hand, it’s your turn now to try some of them out yourself. Good luck! And stay tuned for the next post on How To Flirt – Flirting In Person.

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7 Deadly Relationship Sins – What Not To Do In Love – Part 1

Every long term relationship has its ups and downs, and how we deal with difficulties in a relationship defines us as people and defines the partnership. In the next two posts, we’ll look at seven deadly relationship sins, how to recognise them, and most importantly, how to avoid them ruining your relationship.

1. Lack of communication

Lack of communication is something that one or both partners will complain about at some stage of a long term relationship and it is one of the biggest relationship killers. It can manifest itself in a number of different ways, including:

a) Not listening to your partner – one of the biggest complaints between partners and something couples therapists make a ton of money from. Learn to read the body language of your partner and gauge whether something is important to them. Properly, actively listening to your partner is one way of showing that you respect them, support them and are interested in them.

b) Not communicating feelings – your fears, hopes, dreams, insecurities, issues, and problems. People do change with time and without periodically updating your partner on your thoughts, feelings and interested, you can naturally drift apart (see The Natural Drift Of Relationships – Why Some Relationships Don’t Last). Even small issues, like for example a man leaving the toilet seat up over and over again, can build up to resentment over time and injure your relationship.

c) Keeping secrets – a cornerstone of a healthy and strong relationship is trust (see 6 Secrets To Keeping Long Term Love – Part 2), but keeping secrets and having your partner find out can make them feel untrusted and question your own trustworthiness. To build trust in your relationship, check out our post on 10 Ways To Become Trustworthy And More Trusting.

2. Physical or emotional cheating

Cheating doesn’t always have to be physical, and you can do just as much damage to a relationship, if not more, by emotionally cheating. Temptation is all around us, and with the development of the internet, smartphones and other technologies connecting us with people all around the world, there are more and more opportunities to cheat. A fling with someone else – or even mutually entertaining the thought of it – may make you feel wanted or loved (or at least lusted after), but it is masking a void or deficiency in your own relationship that you need to address. In addition, the definition of acceptable behaviour when around others outside the relationship can differ from person to person and couple to couple. Think about the things you might say or write to others, or your body language, in the context of your own partner and your own relationship. How would you feel if your partner said or did similar things to another person? When does harmless, friendly flirting become something more?

3. Jealousy

A little jealousy can be good and healthy in a relationship – it can promote protectiveness and competitiveness to care and protect both your partner and relationship from the perceived threat. It can remind you of your feelings for your partner, and it can help you to think about and understand yourself a little better. In this way, healthy jealousy acts to guard and support a relationship. But too much, too often can be a deadly relationship killer. Overly jealous people see the world through a distorted lens, losing perspective and perceiving danger where there might not be. Jealousy is a highly complex emotion and can be incredibly powerful, causing us to lose control. Jealousy can be caused by insecurity and possessiveness. It can also be caused by a fear of rejection, abandonment or loss, and it can be triggered by feelings of powerlessness or a lack of control. Overcoming jealousy isn’t an easy task, but you can start by learning to love yourself (see Part 1: Find Love. Step 1. Love Yourself) to develop self-love and self-worth, creating a healthy relationship within us. This develops self-esteem and creates a healthy ego, allowing us develop healthy and productive interpersonal relationships with others. Building trust can strengthen your relationship and help overcome jealousy.

Be sure to check out the second part of this post, 7 Deadly Relationship Sins – What Not To Do In Love – Part 2, which examines the other four deadly relationship sins. And don’t forget to read 6 Secrets To Keeping Long Term Love – Part 1 and Part 2.

5 More Signs Someone Really Likes You

The previous post on 5 Signs Someone Really Likes You was just not long enough to cover all the signs, so here we’ll look at five more signs that someone really likes you. In addition to the five signs from the first post:

1. Their body language
2. Calling for no reason
3. Their friends know about you
4. Giving you attention
5. Occasional, subtle passive aggressive behaviour

You should also look out for the following five:

6. Telling you personal secrets
Trust is important in a close personal relationship and if someone tells you their personal secrets, they are expressing trust and confidence in you. In the same way that they want to know more about you if they really like you, they will tell you about themselves, often with more personal details than they might otherwise confide in others. Sharing secrets is one way of strengthening the bond between two people.

7. Checking you out when you’re not looking

If you catch them staring at you, and they look away, perhaps with a blush or a smile, when you notice them, this is a good sign that they like you. Tied in with sign #1 (their body language), they’ll give you lots of eye contact when engaged in conversation, and they might just check you out when you think they’re not looking. Particularly if they have limited time with you, they will spend as much time as possible looking at you because you are physically appealing to them.

8. Defending you

As with sign #4 (giving you attention), when you are in trouble of some form, they will try to help you out, and this extends to defending you when you are being personally attacked in some way or another. The usual form of this defending for both sexes is verbal, and this is even more prevalent with so many ways to communicate these days: Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and many other social networks and media sharing sites. Our opportunities to share information have never been greater, but with this comes more bullying and attacking of others, particularly under the veil of anonymity the internet affords.

9. Complimenting & supporting you

They will attempt to make you feel good by complimenting you and supporting your endeavours. They will pay good attention to you and remember things about you. They might notice, for example, that you’ve styled your hair differently (or just had a haircut) or that you’re wearing new clothes or a new scent, and compliment you on it. They will ask about the activities in your life and the things that interest you, and support, encourage and cheer you on. They will congratulate your successes and commiserate with you when things don’t go to plan.

10. Trying hard to impress you

It might be that they dress better or change their appearance in some way to get your attention. It could be that they laugh a little too hard at a joke that, quite frankly, isn’t really that funny (particularly if, like me, you use dad jokes a little too often). They might get you a gift – with or without a reason, like a birthday or Christmas – that clearly shows they have thought a lot about what your tastes are like and what you might need or want. They might rearrange even the most hectic or inflexible of schedules, just to spend a short amount of time with you. Whichever example you think about, they are trying hard to impress you and go above and beyond the normal standards of friendship to do so.

As I wrote in the original post 5 Signs Someone Really Likes You, the more of the signs described above someone shows towards you, the higher the chance they are interested in you. And now that you know what some of the signs are, you can proactively adopt these to show those in your life who you care about, that indeed you actually do!

Can you tell whether someone really likes you or not? What gives you the best indication that someone does, in fact, like you? Share your signs with us by leaving a comment below.

5 Signs Someone Really Likes You

Sometimes it’s hard enough to know exactly what your own feelings for someone else are, let alone trying to guess how they might feel towards you. In this post, we’ll touch on a few of the signs that someone really likes you and help reduce the sleepless nights and energy wasted on wondering what might be going on in their head and heart.

1. Their body language.

Try as we might, sometimes we just can’t hide our inner feelings and desires. Someone’s body language can tell you a lot about how someone feels subconsciously (or even consciously) towards you. One of the most important cues is eye contact. When you have their attention, you’ll get good eye contact. If things aren’t going so well, you’ll find their eyes wandering elsewhere – some warning signs are checking their watch, frequently checking their phone, and checking out people other than you. If they find you particularly attractive, you might find their eyes wandering slowly over your face in a triangular movement between the eyes and mouth.

They will directly or indirectly try to reduce the distance between the two of you – by standing closer to you or moving their chair closer. Do they mirror your posture or gestures subconsciously? They are likely to face you when talking to you – with their feet, arms or hands pointed towards you – in contrast to standing sideways or away from you. It shows that they are comfortable with being close to you.

If they smile more around you, it’s a good sign that they like you (or at least find you amusing). Think about when you smile – it’s when you’re happy, content or full of good feeling. They will appear to be in a better mood around you, and as a result, they’ll smile naturally (it’s pretty hard to hide a genuine smile). They may have had a bad day and will be initially tense/upset/angry/frustrated, but they’ll seem relaxed and happy around you after a few minutes. That’s a sure sign they enjoy your company.

And finally, light touching – of the arm or shoulder, for example – is a really strong indicator that this person is attracted to you. How do they react if you make light contact with them?

2. Calling for no real reason.

They might try to get your attention by calling or texting you for seemingly trivial things. How flimsy is their excuse for calling you? They might just be calling because they want to talk to you and hear your voice, but want to make up an excuse to seem less vulnerable. They might just contact you to tell you something that happened in their day or ask you about yours.

3. Their friends know about you.

If they’re happy to introduce you to their friends, it’s a good sign they like you. If they have feelings for you, they would have confided in at least one friend about you. If he/she really likes you, they’ll give you a warm introduction (and might even brag about you) to their friends.

4. Giving you attention.

As I mentioned in my post on Modern Day Dating & Scheduling Dates, attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity, so if you have someone’s attention, it’s a sure-fire sign that they like and enjoy your company. The attention can take many forms: they might, for example, ask you a lot of genuine questions about yourself (and, in particular, if you’re single or not or whether you have a love interest yourself). This will be because they have felt some kind of attraction towards you and they’ll be interested in finding out more to see how compatible you really are.

They might prioritise you over other people and activities – or organise their own activities in such a way that the chances of meeting you increase. If you’re upset or in poor health, they might try making you feel better in some way – by visiting you (or if it’s contagious, sending you or saying something comforting). They might try offering assistance when help is needed – moving house, for example, or painting a room. Many of us have a hard time putting our feelings into words, and it’s much easier and subtler to show people how you feel and that you care about them. Actions speak louder than words, as I detailed in 10 Ways To Surprise Your Partner.

5. Occasional, subtle passive aggressive behaviour.

When someone really likes you, their behaviour can be occasionally and subtly passive aggressive. Partly because sometimes strong feelings can be confusing and hard to deal with, but also because they are invested emotionally in you. You can upset them without even knowing – it might be not returning a message for a few days or not inviting them on a night out, when they were in fact really looking forward to hearing from you or seeing you. When you really like someone, there is a tendency to over-think things and take things personally.

The more of the signs described above someone shows towards you, the higher the chance they are interested in you. In the end, it all boils down to whether or not this person gives you their time and attention. Because if you really like someone, you’ll find time to spend with them, and when you’re with them, you’ll give them all your attention.

You can read about some more signs that someone likes you, including telling you personal secrets and defending you, in our follow-up post, 5 More Signs Someone Really Likes You.

Can you tell whether someone really likes you or not? What gives you the best indication that someone does, in fact, like you?